nexus_crossings | Ceremonial curiosity

Ceremonial curiosity

In the past few years the Nexus has become more of a home for Viatorus than his own world, despite its strange and changeable nature. So then perhaps it is not so odd that he finds himself feeling more comfortable here than there, able to talk to strangers with nary a stutter. Mostly. Though whatever nerves remain they're still a far cry from how he was when he first came here. Now he can sit and think, his head clear and undisturbed by the passers by.

He sits and watches the crowd flow through the streets, shuffling the ring on his ring finger in slow circles. For once he's without a book in hand, not even with a tea nearby. In fact, he looks quite composed for someone so easy to fluster. Perhaps it's the distraction of speculation, for he certainly sounds like he's been mulling over this a while.

"Do you think that ceremonies hold power? Do they influence anything or do you think they're purely symbolic? Are they an expression of hope, or a way of channelling power?"

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I don't have any experience in magic circles or spells or none of that..." Except when he faked them for his props. They didn't know it wasn't real, Big Brother. Josh sucks in a breath and puts the thought out of his head abruptly and listens to his friend instead.

"Well, it's no way to learn something for good unless you keep at it. The kind of repetition I did was just...you know. For short term." Enough mental juggling to keep everything he needed to know in hand for the hour it took to be tested on it and then he could pull back and let all those thoughts fall to the floor and shatter. Unneeded information left to rot and disappear.

He looks back at his friend. Smiles because he knows he should. Josh can feel the strings pulling at the corners of his mouth on command.

"They make me take breaks, yeah. I haven't had lunch yet so it'll be good to stop and eat with you."

Right, his world is weird. It's hard to remember that when he spends so much time in the Nexus. Here everyone seems to accept magic as fact, as normal, or to have dabbled in it. "Have you ever wanted to learn something properly? For the long term, I mean."

'Make him' take breaks. Viatorus smiles back again, playing his turn in the exchange of socially expected pleasantness. He knows he can't comment. That he's complained about being forced to stop and eat. Seeing that happen with Josh, though...

"Have you been working hard? Maybe you should take a holiday."

"S...some things. I got real good at."

He can't touch his camera anymore. His kits and his props are locked away in his closet. Out of sight. A constant reminder of the crimes he's committed. Of so many more he's guilty of by association. The parts he played in gruesome fates without knowing what harm he was causing.

It was real to them.

But they're gone now. He played a part in that.

"Like f...film making. Video editing." Those things don't hurt quite so much as what he's really good at. "But all I ever seem to do with that is more harm than good. So I gave it up. D...do you know what that's like? Being good at something that's bad?"

Viatorus feels a pang of guilt run straight through his core. He looks away, down at his fidgeting hands. "Some people think dreamwalking is bad... but mostly it's just... a disappointment. I know it's not really the same as being bad, but... I know people would be happier if I did something else... but I can't."

Looking up at his friend again, he offers Josh a weak smile. "You shouldn't give up on what you're good at. I'm sure there's a way to have good experiences to replace the bad. Maybe I could help you?"

Josh gives a laugh that holds no humor. Only bitterness and understanding.

"I know disappointments. You can't change who you are, so your entire existence is a disappointment. And if anything ever happened to your sibling, they'd all wonder, why couldn't it have been you?" There are many reasons Joshua never went back home to his own world after surviving the caves and that is chief among them.

Knowing he was a burden and a disappointment more than he'd ever be a son.

"I'm good at scaring people. I'm good at making frightening things seem believable. I know fear, so I can...have...manipulated it in other people. I thought. Turning it into entertainment would be doing that. Making a good thing. But I just ended up helping more people get hurt."

That makes him cringe and look away. It hits too close to home. Nothing has happened to Isidor, but he's still heard people mutter about how they wish she had been the scholar.

So he's quiet for a short time, before he eventually offers, "We... We just have to do the best we can."

"People enjoy being scared sometimes," he agrees softly. "Maybe you just need to try a different way of turning it into entertainment. If you... you apprenticed with someone maybe you could learn how to make sure people didn't accidentally get hurt."

He's tried to do the best he could. Honestly tried and failed and tried again. He's tired, unsure how much more he's got to give. But that's not what people want to hear. That's not how you make your friends stop worrying.

"Yeah. You're right." He tries not to look at the girl standing just next to Viatorus wit her head lolling off to one side, staring up at her brother with cold dead eyes. She's not real. She's dead and gone and not real. He's been doing well this week. He knows the only good things in their family died with his sisters.

He knows.

But he's the only one left, so he'll have to be good enough.

"Did Isidor tell you what I did?"

Edited 2018-11-05 14:35 (UTC)

Viatorus is quiet for a few moments, slipping his hands into his pockets and looking at his feet. Silence fills the space between them, interrupted only by the slow steps upon stone. When he does speak, his voice is soft, his words gentle, warm.

"She said... She said you were going through a rough time. She... She said that you were tricked into a bad job with a cruel boss. That you were free now... but that you would be hurting from it for a while."

They're standing outside the cafe now. Through the glass Joshua can see the bustle going on by the shop's proprietors. A place he's told he fits inside but the chill of the air outside feels so much more appropriate for something like him. He makes sure to put the scooter away before making for the door to the cafe.

Isidor's a good friend. There's a part of him that feels relieved even as he aches at the gaze he knows isn't really there. If no one blames him then why does he feel so much guilt? Why does he feel like a monster getting away with wearing a man's skin?

"People died, Viatorus. I didn't know...but it won't bring them back."

Josh's words crash over him like ice water. His stomach drops and he stares at his friend in horror. People died? But Josh wouldn't... he was only trying to hold a job, or help people, Viatorus is certain of it. How could this have happened?

It's as if this admission allows him to take on more of Josh's emotions. He can feel the guilt creeping in as if it were his own, twisting to fit inside his head. He should have been there for Josh. He should have been able to help him, protect him, stop this. He is a Durant, and he's meant to be able to do anything. Except he didn't help his friend.

"I'm sorry," his whispered apology comes out in a gush. "I'm so sorry. Josh, I... I-I-I... What can I do? How-? Are you ok? Are you... alright?"

You're doing it again, Joshua. Hurting the people you're trying so hard to please. Smile like you mean it. Go on, smile. Don't be an embarrassment, don't be abnormal. The mantra he's tried so hard to follow since he was old enough to start being aware that he was different from other people echoes in his head, every repetition a prick of a needle reminding him that he's no good as is.

It clashes with the raw, broken grief that thrashes inside of him. That suffuses into every vein and pore and cell until he's nothing but a live wire exposed to the air. Dangerous. Desperate.

"If you're going to be sorry, do it for them. They're the ones who suffered for the things I did." He doesn't deserve to be cared for, empathized with. "I wasn't okay for a while." Not until he remembered how to pretend. "Everyone keeps saying it's not my fault. That I should put it behind me. So I'm trying to do that."

Everything in Viatorus' expression is sympathetic, except for that brief moment when Josh's words earn a look of gentle reproach. "Empathy doesn't discriminate like that." His face softens. "I could never judge you, Josh, and I wouldn't want to."

Stepping closer, he timidly rests a hand on Josh's shoulder, tilting his head to look the other man in the eye. "All I know is that you're hurting. That you're allowed to hurt. To process as slowly as you need to... But I hope you know I'm here too. To help. However I can. Even if it's just being in the same room, o-or listening to you."

The hurt is real and it is deep. Viatorus may not want to keep his hand on Josh for long. Like an iceberg floating on the sea there's so much more than can be seen on the surface. And something else lingering around the man. Mental illness doesn't leave traces like this.

And despite all of that Joshua smiles at Viatorus' words. Crooked on one side and so fragile it can't be anything other than genuine.

"I am trying to be better. I spent months wandering around lost inside my own head. No sense of time or space." A prisoner of in a place he couldn't escape from. "I appreciate it V. I wish I knew how to get better. How you could help. ...What's wrong with me."

Physical contact isn't easy for him at the best of times, but he tries to keep his hand on Josh's shoulder for as long as he can. Until suddenly he can't and he lets it slide away, and suddenly he feels like he can breathe again.

After a few seconds to focus himself, he turns his worried eyebrows on Josh. "I know what that's like. It's not your fault you don't know what to do, but... Whatever might help, you should do it. If you want to stay with me for a while, Runa, Isidor and I could keep you company."

"Right now Ice Bear and Harley have been keeping a close eye on me." He sounds tired of it, even if he knows its for his own good. Trading their scrutiny for V and Isidor's doesn't sit all that well with him but he knows why everyone is so eager to keep him under lock and key.

He did disappear without anyone knowing where he was for months. Raving like the lunatic he is. No one wants to see him do it again, even if being like this...pretending to be normal. It's exhausting.

"I think I will. Maybe a change of scenery would do me some good. They don't want me on my own yet, but they'd probably be fine if I was with someone else right? I'll have to ask my 'parents'." And if that last bit sounds a little bitter, well.

Josh has never been good at swallowing his pride when people worry after him.

Although he offered, he hadn't expected Josh to agree so easily. He wasn't even sure the offer would be welcome, but at least he feels like he can help this way.

He doesn't even notice the way he perks up. "Well, like you say, the change of scenery might be good. You can change who you're with every few days if you like. Whatever you like. Besides, Runa's always baking. You could make a few requests. She loves trying to make new things."

Then he hesitates, going quiet and speaking gently. "And... if you need time alone. If you need to... cry or talk. That's ok too. Isidor and I know what that's like from when I was ill, and... well... Runa's mother passed away when she was young. She knows what sadness is like, too."

Anything's got to be better than this, with people waking on eggshells around him at the cafe or checking up on him every ten minutes. He knows they mean well, Josh does. But he can't stop himself from feeling frustrated with it all the same. And it probably won't be any different with Viatorus, but at least it's in a different place.

It feels like Josh is trying something different.

"...I really appreciate it."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ceremonial curiosity

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject