nexus_crossings | In which Shelby deals with terrible hindsight.

Current Mood: distressed

In which Shelby deals with terrible hindsight.

Shelby is glad to find her door to the Nexus waiting for her. She needs to get the hell out of Indianapolis right now because she feels like the worst person on the planet. Which is an odd feeling when she's just been named four-time IndyCar champion two days ago, but there it is. Her latest victory doesn't mean a whole lot to her at the moment.

That's because she and her best friend have just had a six-year overdue argument. Shelby never claimed to be the most mature person back then but she also had no idea that she had done so much damage to someone that she cared for. Someone who was, if she was honest, the first person she'd ever really loved.

She feels ashamed, and embarrassed, and frightened all over again because she's dealing with this while having to make a huge decision about her future and worry about a physical that will tell her if she even has a future. Any one of those things would make her nervous; all three and she feels like the world's caving in. Which is, again, not what she wants to feel after working her ass off to capture a fourth championship.

So by the time she goes through the door, she's on the verge of tears, and she's just going to sit down in the nearest available corner to take slow, deep breaths until she can compose herself. She isn't going back through that door until she knows she's not going to fall apart and has a clue about what she's supposed to do to make things right.

Does she make amends for what happened six years ago (can she)? Or does she focus on not screwing things up a second time? And is there some way, somehow, that she can just catch her breath and not be thinking about everything else?

"How do you fix hurting your best friend?" she says, talking to herself but this is the Nexus so she's pretty sure everyone will overhear her.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I'm taking my strategist." Shelby chuckled when she said it, because it wasn't like Ganassi had offered Shane a job. He'd just decided he would go if she left and she wasn't going to argue with him. They were a package deal, which was saying something considering that they had once been hell-bent on getting away from each other.

"But everyone else, no. My engineer, my spotter, my crew chief, my pit crew...all those guys would either have to negotiate their own jobs or they'd work with whoever replaces me." She realized she ought to tell Piper the technical stuff Shelby just took for granted. "Crew members negotiate their own contracts the same as drivers do. So maybe one or two of them could be hired away. But most of them would end up staying."

"Ahh, I see," Piper said, nodding her head. "That makes sense. That's a really hard decision to make. Especially since these are people you've worked a long time with," she admitted with a little smile.

"When do you have to give them your decision? Or is it not official yet?"

She paused as she finished off her coffee before continuing. "I really hope things between you and Peter smooth over though and this, while being hard now, will make your friendship stronger. Friends and loved ones are important to have in our lives." Piper had a lot of regrets and some low key anger (namely at herself and the situation) and one of those biggest regrets was simply not being there or apologizing sooner.

"About a week and a half."

Shelby's plate was incredibly full which was why she was glad for this escape into the Nexus. She had a physical to pass, then a dinner date with Scott, and then about a week after that a one-day aeroscreen test at Indianapolis Motor Speedway. A week and a half sounded like a lot of time but it really wasn't because there were so many things she had to do, to even get close to making that decision.

At the mention of Peter's name she sighed. "We'll make up eventually. We kind of have to, living together," she admitted. "I just wish there was something more I could do for him. I don't think I've ever seen him that hurt. And I never like hurting anybody."

A small smile. "I'm sorry. I should ask at some point in this conversation how things turned out for you. You've been sharing your story and I'm just floating in my own head."

"So a little time to make a choice," Piper said. Though, she knew as well as anyone, that a week and a half flies by in the blink of an eye. These days, she realized, they flew by even faster than they did when she was younger.

She laughed softly. "It's hard to remain mad or upset when you see each other every day like that," she agreed. Piper has truly thought that it would be the case between her and Jordan. They'd get over it and things would work out. "From what I've learned, sometimes it just happens despite your best intentions. But what matters is that you learn from it and it doesn't happen again. And considering the two of you have become close friends again, I'm sure it'll work out just fine."

Piper stayed silent for a moment before shaking her head. "Not very good, I'm afraid," she admitted. "But that's a long story in of itself."

"Something like that," Shelby said with a nod. "I've got a doctor's appointment, a dinner date, and a day's worth of work all in there, too. That might be part of why I'm so on edge. Normally I insist on a full week off after the season so I can decompress. I think I got about two days."

And that lack of downtime had come after a season in which she sorely needed it. Her nerves were probably a little shot which made her react even more emotionally to what Peter had told her. Now that she was removed from the situation for a while she was starting to see how it had spun out of control and begin to think about it from a proper analytical perspective.

At the look on Piper's face though Shelby paused. "If you'd like to talk about it, I'm happy to listen," she offered. It was only fair after the other woman had sat there and listened to her issue.

Edited 2020-11-05 18:17 (UTC)

"The time goes quick, I know. It seems to fly by more quickly than it did when I was younger," she agreed. "Especially when you have a full schedule because the stress certainly doesn't help." It was something she could relate to on some level as well but this wasn't exactly about her as it was about Shelby.

Piper gave her a little smile. "Thank you, I appreciate that. Maybe a time when there's plenty of alcohol involved. Just take it from me, don't wait too long before you go and clear the air with him. I didn't get another true chance to apologize to the one person I wish I could have. It took around a decade for me to really clear the air with another friend and I regret that now. Granted, not everyone has my fucked up life but still."

"I won't." Shelby nodded slightly. As she got older hindsight was so much better. Part of her wondered what would have happened if she had pursued things with Peter when they were much younger, even though the adult in her knew that it would only have made both of their lives a lot more complicated.

Everything that had happened, had happened for a reason. But now it just felt like so much wasted time, and painful besides. That had been a tough lesson to learn: that sometimes bad things had their place in her life.

"I'd say you could call me sometime but I never remember to check my phone," she admitted with a laugh. "But I'm happy to listen if we do run into each other again. I know all about complicated histories."

Piper nodded. "And hold onto his friendship if it means a lot to you," she said, her voice softer with a little smile. "I've only begun to repair a friendship that... well, he and I never really got along before. But he's been there, he's had my back for the last decade and, those are the friends to really hold onto."

She laughed softly. "I'm not the best at checking my phone either," she agreed. "I appreciate that, Shelby. Thank you. Ever since... well, ever truthfully, my life has been a bit outside of the realm of 'normal' complicated." She paused. "I actually think my life is fairly normal compared to some of the people I've met here in the Nexus." That had been refreshing when she started to realize that.

"That I'll believe." Shelby laughs. "I just met Iron Man!"

The Nexus has blown her mind more than once even in the limited time she's been here. Shelby's world has been as blue-collar and grounded as it gets, and things like superheroes and aliens made no sense to her. Then she got here and her eyes have definitely been opened.

"I feel like everyone thinks their life is complicated," she comments, "but for some of us it's definitely more than others. The worst thing that ever happened to me in my whole life, wound up being the best thing that I could have asked for in hindsight. So don't feel like you're alone in those feelings. My story's pretty long itself at this point."

She had spoken openly in numerous interviews about her year spent working as a mechanic in New York. Shelby wasn't ashamed of it, and she was also proud of the Marshall Motors crew. Maybe other people wouldn't be so honest in the press, but she'd always worn her heart on her sleeve. Her emotions had always run high; now they just came out more easily.

Piper laughed and nodded. "I've met a quite a few different people and a God so it's definitely been interesting," she said with a grin.

She stayed silent for a long minute, listening to Shelby speak before looking at her. "That's for sure. Everyone thinks their lives are more complicated than others and I'm certainly not an exception to that mindset. I'm a witch and along with my best friend/cousin, we were distantly related, we were going to be our generation's "chosen ones". We were to be the greatest force of good the world has seen." Piper tried really hard to not roll her eyes. "Before we could though, my friend and I got into a huge argument and a group of demons, vampires and other beings killed her and my first boyfriend."

She looked down at her empty coffee cup and really wish she had brought a flask with her. "For ten years, I've been on a revenge mission to take down everyone involved." When it came down to it, she wasn't ashamed of it. She regretted a lot about not spending more time with Jordan and David in those days but she knew what was done was done. Piper also knew that this could potentially make Shelby not want to talk to her and that was a chance she decided to make.

"Oh my God, that sounds terrible. I'm so sorry."

Shelby has lost people she loves but those tragedies have been a handful of racing accidents, and luckily few and far between. She's never had to deal with violent crime. The supernatural part she doesn't grasp but she pushes that aside because that's not what's relevant here. What's relevant is that terrible loss.

The one thing she can relate to is that chip on Piper's shoulder. She had one that whole year she was away from IndyCar and that first year back. She needed to prove herself, of course to keep her job but mostly she wanted to show everyone that they had been wrong about her. Now she was regarded as one of the best in her sport but that had only happened because she'd fought back after being kicked to the curb.

"If you have a mission in your life, you have to keep chasing it," she said after a moment. "I could have given up. I could have stayed in Indianapolis and waited for another chance to come around. I turned my entire life upside down to get my job back and that's how I ended up where I am today. Don't wait for anything and don't let anyone stop you. No matter how much it hurts."

Piper opened her mouth to dismiss the sentiment but she was really trying to be better at not doing that and accepting it. Dismissing things like that is what she'd always done, even before their deaths so it was a hard habit to break.

"Thank you," she said, her voice softer and she truly meant it. "We took down every single one of them involved - finished... last year. Now it's mostly a matter of what do I do afterward," she admitted with a little smile. "It took a decade but I'm starting to form a stronger friendship with my friend's then-boyfriend." Which really, is putting it mildly - it was a complicated relationship they had. At the end of the day though, she was thankful to the vampire. "He knows me better than just about anyone at this point."

She nodded in understanding. "Yeah, the mission helps keep you focused," Piper agreed. "Oh, I never let anything stop me. People would say it's one of the most irritating qualities about me. It's great to meet someone else who is the same way - who never gives up on what you want."

"This is all I've ever done. All I've ever worked for," Shelby said. "I have to keep fighting because there's not much else I could ever do."

She had been a pretty good mechanic and toward the end of that year in New York she'd made peace with that possibly being her career. There was no shame in a good blue-collar job. But other than that she just wasn't equipped for much else. Every class, every amount of free time, every decision had been made with IndyCar in mind.

"But it's important to have people around you," she continued. "I've noticed that now. Not that I don't have friends and family; I've got a great family and a lot of friends. But I've always been so career focused. Having Peter, and having my boyfriend Derrick, showed me something else outside of racing. Something that I ended up leaning on a lot this year. That having something to come home to means more than you think."

Piper nodded. "I doubt that since I'm sure you're great at a ton of things. But, I get that. I will always keep fighting because there is no other option." And although at this point, she wasn't sure what she was fighting for, she would always find something.

She nodded in agreement. "You're right about that. I don't think I realized how important that was again until I started making amends with Adonis. His place has become like a second home to me. I've been moving so much that I forgot what that felt like."

"That's what happened to me." Shelby nods knowingly. "I bought my house five years ago expecting that I'd marry and have a family to raise in it. It's sat mostly empty for a long time. Peter only moved in by necessity but I realized very quickly how much I loved having someone else in the place. It feels so much more alive now."

"Don't get me wrong, I love my career and that's my priority," she adds. "But it helps to have somebody there at the end of a long day. Or on the weekend to unwind with. Or just to not be sitting in silence and isolation. I'd have lost my mind if he wasn't around right now. I wanted to get a cat, but I'm never home to take care of one, so a roommate seemed the better option!"

"At least a roommate doesn't require as much hands on care," Piper agree with a laugh. "Unlike a pet - cat or otherwise." There had been conversations once they decided to make London their home base that they'd want to get dogs and/or cats and looking back, she's glad they hadn't yet. She couldn't have left them.

Piper nodded. "I admit, it's been nice to be back in London because when I'm there, he's always willing to cook." Even when he doesn't necessarily need it to live anymore. "Which is for the best because otherwise I order a ton of takeout." Or drink. Or not eat, which also happened.

"I can cook, just not exceptionally well." Shelby chuckled. She'd been living on her own since graduating from college so she'd had to learn as a matter of course. But there was a difference between being able to feed herself and being able to make anything impressive. Peter, on the other hand, seemed to have a knack for it.

A small smile. "Baking, on the other hand? That's all me. It's what my dad used to do when I was upset as a little girl and so for a long time it's what I did when I was upset. I'd just make some brownies for myself or give them to friends going through a rough time. So I'm not totally hopeless, domestically speaking."

"And that's what matters," she added. "Because the career stuff, all of it, it does end eventually. At least it will for me. My goal is to make sure there's something else there at the end of it that will make me at peace with walking away."

Piper laughed and nodded. "I can cook pasta and a few other things but it's not my talent," she said with a grin. "Oh now baking, absolutely. It's been a while but I've bookmarked some cookie recipes that I still want to try out but haven't gotten around to. They're a good stress relief," she agreed.

She'd be the first to admit that for a number of years, she had a complicated relationship with food. But she had learned that if she wanted to survive what the world was throwing at her, she'd have to take better care of herself than she did.

"Do you know what you'd want to do after you're done racing?"

"I do, actually," Shelby replies. She'd given this a lot of thought because she knows how an athlete's career is finite and so many of them never have anything to fall back on. "I want to work as a driver coach for an IndyCar team. My friend Dario transitioned into being the coach for Chip Ganassi Racing and he loves it. I think that would be a good fit for me, and keep me involved in the sport."

Because she had no intention of leaving IndyCar.

"I want to get married and start a family. And pursue my Masters degree. Education is important in my family and I always enjoyed going to school. So I've got lots of things to look forward to when the time is right, assuming that I put in the effort now to make them possible."

"That sounds like a really good fit for you and allows you to stay in the sport," Piper agreed. "Anyone would be lucky to have you as a coach." Someone who has had championship wins and someone who seems to truly care about the people and the sport.

She smiled at the mention of starting a family and going back to school. "Sounds like you have a great plan in place or a trajectory of where you'd like to go. That's great."

For Piper, she had a lot of soul searching to do. Okay, a bit of soul searching at the very least of where she wanted to be and what she wanted to focus on. Everything was different now than she had even imagined when she was younger. One thing was certain, she was starting to rediscover the things she liked from before.

"I'm excited at the idea of coaching," Shelby said. "I've had a lot of great mentors in my career, and with some of the younger drivers who have come up after me, it's been great to help them and get to see them grow. Coaching would just be doing that for a paycheck."

She knew she wouldn't be the driver she was without the advice she'd gotten from people like Sarah Fisher, Scott Dixon, Mario Andretti and many others. The IndyCar community was a real community where they were never shy about welcoming in new people, answering their questions, and encouraging them on.

"You should come visit sometime," she said. "I think you might like it in Indianapolis."

"That's great! It's important to pay it forward and help train or mentor the next set of young drivers hoping to be in your position one day," Piper agreed with a smile. "Not everyone is geared to be a good coach and if you can do that and have the drive to do that, that's important."

Piper grinned. "It's been a long time since I've been out that way. I'd like to come and check it out again sometime soon. That would be a lot of fun."

"I have a guest room at my house. You're welcome to come and stay with me." Shelby commented. Even if Peter did move in with her, the place still had two more bedrooms. She'd bought it with the express intent of having a guest room for her parents or anyone else who might come to visit. She had no intention of ever moving so the house had to have plenty of space.

She took a deep breath. As much as she'd love to sit there and talk all day, talking about said house reminded her she needed to go back and face Peter. They needed to deal with the issue or the angst would eat the both of them alive. Both of them never liked to see the other one upset.

"I should go talk to him," she said. Now that she'd calmed down maybe they could reach a resolution. "But thank you. And are you sure there's nothing I can do for you?"

The offer to stay with Shelby threw Piper for a momentary loop if she was being completely honest. Although she'd grown up in New Orleans, she'd always heard about how welcoming people were from the Midwest as well as the South. It was surprising and refreshing in its own way.

"That sounds great, I'd love to see Indianapolis again," she said, nodding.

Piper nodded. "That's a great idea and I truly hope it goes well for you both," she responded, standing from her chair. "No, I'll be fine but thank you. I have a party I'm going to attend tonight and then do something I haven't done in a while." It was Halloween Night or Samhain after all and she was well overdue for her personal observance of it.

Shelby nodded and stood with her. "You're welcome, and thank you for listening to me. I'm sure we'll see each other again soon."

She had no idea how much her entire life was about to change. All she knew was that she'd hurt her best friend and it was time to make that right. She turned and walked back through the Plaza, finding her door and with a deep breath pushed herself through it. Back to the rest of her life.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

In which Shelby deals with terrible hindsight.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject