nexus_crossings | Foundlings are a Dog Tradition.

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Foundlings are a Dog Tradition.

Damien hadn't been to the Nexus in quite a long time. Between a job in one universe, and everything in his own, there was no time. There wasn't much time for anything. This place was quiet and he got a coffee and started to walk the plaza to clear his mind. He'd lost track of time quickly and where he was walking though he could still hear the plaza very clearly.

The noise of people was drowned out by a pitiful sound of squeaking, or growling, maybe it was both. The Dogs had cared for the animals in all the abandoned zoos of Hunger City long ago. To this day they all kept animals, many were the descendants of those first animals. Damien knew a lot of animal sounds but this was not familiar but more importantly the sounds reminded him of pain.

He followed the sound to a mottled bird? It looked sort of like a bird but with teeth and the size of a medium dog. He could see it was hurt and squatted down to check on it. The snapping didn't anger him at all.

"Shhh.. little one." Damien whispered and gently pressed the head away while looking over the injury. It looked bad on the downy feathers but underneath looked superficial. Watching the the teeth he dug out a cream he carried that numbed pain and disinfected wounds. The bird was watching now, sniffing at the cream on his hand before he gently dabbed it on the cuts down the side and thigh. It twitched away and Damien frowned because he didn't like seeing pain despite what his jobs had always been.

"There." Damien stepped away while wiping off his hand. He froze when he heard a snorting little sound and looked back to see the bird hobbling up on its feet toward him. Damien watched it limp over and sit heavily against his calf.

"Alright." He sighed at it like a child begging to be carried. This time there was no biting as he picked it up and cradled it in his arms. The bird was surprisingly light and felt skinny under the fluffy downy feathers. Well, he had another foundling. It wouldn't be his first human or animal in the past few years. After a few minutes he was back in the plaza and worried about just how skinny the animal in his arms felt.

The first person he could approach was going to get the question at the forefront of his mind. "Do you know what bird this is?"

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"Both?" Damien answered tentatively. "I'm not sure he's ready to talk about what was happening."

Damien was having a rough time dealing with it because it was bringing up a lot of his past that he tried to bury. "I rescued two on the same day and it's.. a lot."

A lot was an understatement. Just being in those facilities was enough to send him spiraling, let along finding someone that was too close to looking in a mirror.

His mind went to the research angle first, as it typically did.

"Most of my research involving Ministry data, at least up until this point, has involved isolating Anthean sequences of DNA in otherwise human subjects and determining the traits related to those additions on a biochemical level. I have not yet extrapolated how the environment imposed by the Ministry may or may not aid in the expression of those genetic characteristics or on brain function as a whole." He replied. "Though, given the unfortunate popularity of various mind control techniques, there is likely a tremendous amount of data on the general subject in IRIS databases. And not solely from a psychological standpoint either. Of course, any additional data you have would be appreciated..."

Isamu paused. He was getting ahead of himself, like he always did.

He visibly sunk back as he attempted to curb his curiosity.

"If you are ready to talk about it, I mean..."

Damien listened and bit his lip, frowning slightly. "I was hoping you would treat him like a fellow scientist, not a data set."

Damien didn't want to argue and knew that comment might cause it so added. "I have had years to come to terms with everything. He was still in the facility only three weeks ago."

Damien shook his head. "I wouldn't have been ready for all the data that soon after escape, and I came out with my memories intact."

"And I was hoping you would be clear on what you are requesting of me." Isamu replied calmly, but firmly. "I do not currently possess a level of practical knowledge on neurological deprogramming techniques that would benefit anyone you have rescued. Not without further research. His role in that research has really not been specified."

Which meant Isamu could have been thinking of him as an assistant as well as a subject. (He was supposed to benefit from the research, after all. Wasn't that what Damien was asking for?)

"Or did you mean to hypothesize that any collaboration between us in general may be enough to deprogram and rehabilitate in its own right?"

Damien wanted to facepalm and stared at Isamu. "You're overcomplicating this."

Though his exterior looked calm, the little raptor looked up and trill. It could sense its new parent was stressed and wondered why. Damien took a moment to collect his thoughts before saying anything more. This wasn't the easiest topic for him either he was finding out.

"Is this how you treat everyone when someone says, "Hey I want to introduce you to someone I think you will get along with?" or are you treating this introduction different because he is like me?" Damien wanted to stop this line of thinking because Dominic would have a meltdown over some of this talk. Damien looked down at the little raptor, stroking her gently and shook his head. "I don't think you have the experience to understand, and that's good."

It wasn't that Damien wouldn't do his best to explain but how could anyone understand something like this without living it or at least living through it with someone.

"If he is both a recent refugee and former Ministry scientist, I would postulate things are already complicated." Isamu noted. "But in many ways, yes. To both options."

He did overanalyze potential acquaintances, sometimes with less empathy than he should. He also had particular interest in much of the data Damien provided when no one else would.

There were reasons no one else would...

"For what it is worth, however, I may only be able to assist with any sort of research component much longer." He added. "My grant with IRIS will be ending soon. I am debating whether to reapply."

"I understand more how you get under the Anthean's skin." Damien was used to this kind of talk. The Ministry often work on those principles and when push came to shove, sometimes the Dogs did too.

"I don't need research." Damien shook his head and laughed cynically. He was a walking experiment, so was Dominic. Their whole lives were research projects at the core. More research probably wasn't the answer. "Do you want to understand?"

"If by understanding, you mean another trip into Hunger City, once was quite enough for one lifetime."

He still couldn't fathom how Minoru went there to train, and did it willingly.

"No, that wouldn't help." Damien didn't want anyone afraid in Hunger City anyway. It was dangerous when someone was there afraid. Dangerous for everyone, especially when they didn't need to be there.

"I can explain what he might be experiencing." Even he had to shrug though. "I don't know all of it. They didn't manage to write any new memories on me."

"I think I need beer." And Damien did order a whole pitcher of beer to go with his raw steak. He rarely drank but right now, he was going to.

Isamu let out a breath of relief, first and foremost.

"New memories?" he asked. He recalled both Jack and his girlfriend, he thought it was, were missing substantial pieces of their past and personality. But he was unsure whether anything had been added, or if they'd only been taken away.

Damien was pouring a beer and would certainly share with Isamu if he wants a drink, too.

"When they take you to the facilities they remove your personality and reprogram new memories in." Damien set the little raptor up on the table and showed it the plate of meat, cut into tiny strips. "I found a few papers about him. He's older. I think they were testing to see if people like me would break if they did it at the same time. We pulled him in the middle and he has... both."

Damien took a long drink while watching the raptor eat. "What you go through does break the Ministry programming."

At least the baby dinosaur seemed to be captivated with the food it was given, rather than making trouble. Isamu decided that he'd join Damien for a beer. Because while multiple parallel memory systems did exist in the brain, this was taking things to the next level.

"You mean he has both his old memories and new false memories? At the same time?"

Damien knew animals and figured after it ate it would make its way right back into his lap.

"Yes, and the trauma from working with the Ministry and the tactics they use to break you." Damien sighed heavily. "I thought having another intellectual to talk to might help him sort what is real and planted."

Isamu gave the request a tremendous amount of thought.

"That may not be a simple task..." he eventually admitted. "While at least one neuroimaging study suggests true memories are associated with greater activation in the visual cortex, whereas false memories are associated with greater activation in the auditory cortex, the researchers were keen to say this was based on averages and could not be extrapolated on an individual level. And recalling traumatic false memories produces the same heightened physiological reactivity - heart rate and skin conductance, for example - that occurs commonly in patients legitimately suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder."

In other words, especially with the traumatic events connected to them, determining what was real and what wasn't may not actually be possible.

"Do you know the techniques used to encode the false memories? What the Ministry actually does to, well, break someone?"

Perhaps he could determine the brain structures or neurotransmitter activity involved, as a way to compare and contrast with memories that did not form that way. But the emotional component was going to make that very, very hard.

Damien stared at Isamu so long the stare went blank and then he shook his head.

"Isamu, you are still treating him like he is a science project to figure out or an object you can get some information out of instead of a person." There's not so much judgement in that statement as exhaustion. "He doesn't need that. His whole life has probably been this treatment. I'm not sure more of the same will benefit anyone."

And then he sighed. "Of course I know. I went through it for years." Damien looked away if only to break his attention. "If you think where I live is terrifying, you really don't want to know about a Ministry prison."

"No. I am attempting to solve your problem." Isamu sighed. "

He's literally trying to give you what you're asking for. In the most accurate way he knows how.

"It is to ascertain whether it is even possible to objectively separate a false, Ministry-implanted memory from a real one." He insisted. "Subjectively, all I would be able to rely upon would be his own account. Which as you just stated, would be completely unreliable. Or another trustworthy third-party observer who could corroborate the memory. Which I doubt exists either."

At the moment, it was merely a thought exercise, of course. He was talking his way through different possibilities.

"The reason I ask, is because I believe if I knew how their techniques worked neurologically, as in what regions of the brain are stimulated, I could propose a more solid hypothesis as to how to differentiate implanted memories from real ones... Granted all of this is largely hypothetical. And would take quite a lot of development before it could be used therapeutically to assist anyone you rescue from the Ministry's clutches."

"He's not a problem to solve." Damien sighed in frustration. "I just wanted him to have someone else to talk to that might share his interests. Maybe it would help him connect with who he is."

Damien did facepalm now, and sigh. "Do you understand how insensitive and out of touch you sound sitting here talking about scientific and medical procedures as a way to interact with someone who was an experiment and just escaped medical torture?" Damien shifted to let the raptor get in his lap again. "This was a mistake, I think. Forget I asked."

"From the description presented thus far, and dare I add your overwhelmed state, it certainly sounds like he is one of many problems you want solved." Isamu replied. There was no harsh judgement in his tone, though, just his calm observation of how this conversation has progressed. "If you believe he would see me as a kindred spirit, then this sort of scientific logic would be both familiar and appreciated. If not, then perhaps your judgement in this instance is flawed."

He sighed.

"Which is a pity, as he does sound like he possesses quite a fascinating mind."

If it helps, he considers Minoru to be a walking experiment in transient hypofrontality. If only he could acquire the data to prove it...

"Isamu, no one appreciates being seen as or treated like someone's thought problem, or object... even more when they have been those things to the point of being nearly destroyed by it." Damien was very pointed but not angry. He knew Isamu and the Antheans had some friction and he was starting to understand why. Sometimes, he even had friction with them because of how violent he was, it wasn't the same but he did understand how they reacted to people that unnerved them. "Yes, it was flawed. I thought you saw people like me as more than an object to study or a problem to fix."

Damien took a moment to collect himself from the emotions he was feeling. There was a part of him that was hypersensitive in the moment from his own experience trying to integrate with the Dogs at first.

"The real pity is that I thought we are friends, that you could be a friend to someone like me. Now, all I can think about is if you look at me just like you have been talking about Dominic. That I am just something to be around for you to study, and solve, and fix."

Damien felt sad, uncomfortable in a way he hadn't for a long time. He couldn't place it but it was definitely there.

"We are all essentially the sum of our neurology. How else would you even begin to understand another person beyond the most superficial level if not through such a lens?"

That was not a rhetorical question. That was 100% serious, matter of fact, 'the sky is blue' level of obviousness. Isamu was currently sitting cross from the man who wanted his own genetics analyzed to figure out what he was, after all. (Never mind the fact that it took Minoru and Newton both to coach him on bedside manner, lessons which certainly didn't stick.)

"Friends are worth studying because they are worth understanding."

"You could try talking to them." Damien started to laugh, perhaps cynically because this was absurd to him. "Isamu, this is one thing I know more about than you ever will. I know exactly what happens when you see people as a sum of research and numbers. You think you know what you are saying but you don't know what it means in practice."

Damien had lived that life as an enforcer. He was given a list of crimes and scans and actions and people were not exactly people. Then he learned he was seen the same way when things went wrong.

"If all you see is something to study you aren't seeing a friend." Damien shook his head slowly. "I know. I lived my life as something to be studied by people who said they did it because we were friends, and I was different and they wanted to know me. They were also the people who chained me down when I stopped fitting their research parameters to see what went wrong and I didn't fit their numbers."

Edited 2024-08-03 22:34 (UTC)

Isamu looked at him with an eyebrow raised. Weren't they literally talking right now?

"The act of finding you a fascinating subject matter is hardly unethical. It is normal, really. Restraining anyone or torturing them are the obvious unethical practices in this scenario and what clearly defines those individuals as not your friends."

The former, though, Isamu did not see the connection. To him, this line of thinking was as natural as seeing color. This was simply how the world was processed.

"...I do think of you as my friend."

Damien's voice was icy. "The act of finding me a 'fascinating subject' to study is DEHUMANIZING with or without the chains." He was one step from calling the pot and the kettle if it didn't get into Isamu's head.

"I want to think of you as a friend." Damien was honest and back to his calm self. "I've spent my life being someone else's fascinating study subject. If you don't understand why I think you seeing me that way is unethical and unwanted, then all of your study has truly told you nothing about who I am."

He still thought of Isamu as a friend but he needed to get through to him, especially if he was going to let him meet Dominic any time soon.

"Might I remind you, that when I asked for specific clarification as to whether you were looking for someone who can simply relate to him on an intellectual level or whether you wished me research a more practical answer to neurological deprogramming - you said BOTH."

Which was actually true. And not entirely unexpected from Isamu's point of view.

"When you came to me to analyze your genetics, you certainly did not find being studied in that manner dehumanizing. On the contrary, it sounded as though you found it humanizing, even though you are not entirely human."

Isamu sighed. He held up his hand to attract the server's attention. This was going to require another beer.

"That being said. Perhaps the more important task at the moment is not sorting through Dominic's memories, be they real or false... Or anything to do with Dominic at all. Instead, it may be time for YOU to let out the very real memories that pulling him out of a similar traumatic situation has caused. You cannot help him at all if you are not thinking clearly."

"If you would have been listening to more than your own excitement to study someone you might have heard me tell you that part was a bad idea and I retracted it." Which was also true. How many times had he said just talk to him like a friend since then.

"I needed medical advice on papers I found about me. It isn't like I could talk to the doctors that wrote them." Damien grumbled. "I didn't sign up to be your pet science project for the rest of my existence, and I sure the damned didn't think my friend would start seeing me as a science fair project because I asked them to look at some papers I didn't understand."

Damien got really stern and those golden eyes pinned on Isamu like death. "No. We need to talk about you. Dominic's rescue isn't triggering my memories of the Ministry right now, you are and how you are talking about us."

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