nexus_crossings | Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Adia is sitting at a computer terminal in the Plaza with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a carton of boxed wine, watching cute animal videos online and occasionally wiping at her red-rimmed eyes with the back of her hand.

It's every bad break-up cliché, but Adia does not care. After recently experiencing the (second) worst day of life, she needs a break. And unfortunately, the only place she can get that is the Nexus.

She clicks on a thumbnail of a hamster eating a tiny burrito and takes a swig of wine while it loads. "How do you get over someone," she asks the Nexus unhappily, "When they've clearly gotten over you?"

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"You did, yeah."

Josh hangs the plastic bag off of one corner of the chair before he sits down and immediately leans forward so he can better hear Adia talk. Losing a loved one is never easy. Josh is kind of an expert on that.

And at least in his case. You never get over it.

"Did you see him here?"

He hopes not. Joshua doesn't think he could handle wondering if his sisters would turn up someday alive and well. As much as he'd give anything to have had it be him and not them, seeing them alive again now would...probably destroy him. He wonders if its the same for Adia.

"What happened?"

She shakes her head. "Not here, no." She doesn't know if that'd be better or worse. A Cylon in the Nexus spells doom for the humans of New Caprica. But Caspar wouldn't have been able to push her away in the Plaza. Not physically, anyway.

"I didn't know it at the time, but his kind -- Cylons -- their consciousness downloads into a new body after they die." She picks up the pint of ice cream, but only picks at it with her spoon. "I found out after we settled on New Caprica and the Cylons arrived. They set up a coalition government, but it's been a sham, really. An occupation disguised as a truce. There's a human resistance, it's been bombing Cylon shipping docks, armories... that sort of thing. The most recent one, my neighbor was a suspect. They brought me in for questioning."

It's a good thing Josh is leaning in to listen, because Adia gets very quiet for a moment, her face pale. She looks about as scared as she did in that strange landscape of ice mirrors. "The Cylon interrogating me wouldn't let up. She kept pushing and pushing... she told me that there were consequences for lying." She swallows. 'That's when Caspar came in. The one that I knew. He, um... he called her outside. And then he told me that I was free to go."

Oh thank god.

That makes Josh relax slightly in his seat. He'll feel bad about worrying about himself while Adia is suffering later. For now, score one point for his sanity.

Josh doesn't interrupt Adia while she talks, just nods along and reaches over between them to give her shoulder a squeeze and a pat. Let her know he's here if she needs to cry or hug or whatever will help. He knows firsthand that sometimes nothing does, but you still have to do something. Or you'll explode. Go crazy(er).

"So he saved you, but you're sure it was him? Your ex?"

"I guess he did." She hadn't really thought of it that way, but it couldn't have been mere coincidence that Caspar stepped in right when Three started making her threats. "And yeah. Pretty sure. There, um... there are a lot of copies of each Cylon model. So I've seen copes of his model around before, but they always look through me. He... he looked at me. Really looked at me. That's how I knew."

She leans into Josh's touch a little, trying to hold back a sob. "B-but... I mean, if he saved me, then why did he push me away? Once we got outside the detention center, I asked if he knew Caspar. I... I just wanted to be sure. And h-he told me to go and shoved me away." She pantomimes a shove with her hand. Not particularly rough, but not gentle, either. "Just like that."

Josh pulls her closer to him and offers a one armed hug and a tissue if she needs to cry. Her world sounds hella complicated and he can't even begin to understand what she must be going through. But he knows what loss feels like.

Knows about seeing things and the crushing weight of realizing it's not what you thought it was.

"Maybe he couldn't talk to you without getting you or him into trouble. Maybe it wasn't him after all, but another Cillon dude who happens to take an interest in humans. Or...maybe he's got another life now. Can't go back. Or won't. Sometimes people change. If it can happen with humans maybe it can happen with his kind too."

Josh doesn't pretend to know what kind of man this Casper is or was. Only that he was important to Adia.

Those are all viable possibilities; Josh understands the situation better than he thinks. Although it would be a hard stretch to find another of Caspar's model who cared at all about humans and their suffering. As convenient as it would be to deny it, she knows that the Five was Caspar. Trying to check was only her way of stalling.

She takes comfort in Josh's hug, grabbing a tissue and wiping at her wet eyes. "I think you're right, Josh," she murmurs, her voice thick with unshed tears. "He's literally living a different life now. Maybe I reminded him too much of when he was human and he couldn't handle it." But then why bother to save her at all? She lets out a small, unhappy laugh. "You know, he was never this complicated when he thought he was human. He was so kind to me... he never played games with my emotions. It's... it's sad to see that part of him is gone."

"I'll be the first to admit that finding out the world isn't what you thought it was....can really fuck you up. He can't go back to not knowing he wasn't human. Expecting him to is asking the impossible. So I mean, there might still be feelings there. He clearly saved you. But that doesn't mean he can be that person anymore. He doesn't...."

Josh looks down. His voice grows quiet.

"He doesn't have a choice in what he is."

That's something he can understand all too well.

"It's...it doesn't mean your position doesn't suck though. Im sorry you lost what you had...Before."

"I know," she says softly, quietly agreeing. "I can't even imagine what it was like for him." Which makes it wonder a little why Josh can. Is it his mental illness that he sees as not a choice? Or something else?

Either way, it doesn't matter. Josh understands, and is helping her to understand, too. She needs to make sense out of what happened to her. "It's not that I lost him... although that hurts." Gods, that hurts. "It's thinking that I had a second chance, and then losing it." Her lower lip trembles and she wipes at her eyes again. "I've already lost so many people that I care about. It's not fair to lose him twice."

"It's not."

Joshua agrees and holds his friend close when she starts to cry again. It's all he can think of to do. Offer her the same kind of quiet comfort and support that he used to give his sisters.

"You're still here though." Even if she wishes she weren't. He has days like that. Sometimes. "And...for what little it's worth, you're not alone."

Adia hides her face in Josh's shoulder a moment, not wanting to cry again. Hasn't she cried enough for what she had with Caspar? For what could have been?

Getting her tears under control, she says softly. "I know." A shaky breath, and then another, and her voice comes out more steady. "I know I'm not alone. Not here, anyway. On New Caprica it doesn't feel that way... I can't be the only person who loved and then lost a Cylon, but I've yet to meet someone who's been through what I have."

"The hurts are never exactly the same. I don't think, anyway."

Adia doesn't need to hurt him back. He saved her. Josh is all for an eye for an eye but in this case it just seems unfortunate rather than this guy doing something wrong that hurt her. He knows how to plan revenge though.

Grieving in a healthy way? Not so much.

"He's still alive though. You gotta...you gotta focus on that. Even if you cant see him anymore. He's out there somewhere. Alive."

Even if she believed that Caspar deserved revenge, she wouldn't seek it out. That isn't her way. But she's not sure if knowing that he's still alive is a comfort or not. She feels selfish for thinking it, but it was easier to grieve over her loss when she thought Caspar had died. Now she has to grieve all over again, without any sort of closure.

But she doesn't say this to Josh. He probably wishes that his sisters were still alive, even if he could never see them again. She should be more grateful.

"Josh..." she carefully pulls out of his hug so that she can grab her carton of wine."Have you heard of Pyramus and Thisbe? It's a famous romance story from my world, a tale of star-crossed lovers. I... I hated that story. I thought it was ridiculous that two people who loved one another couldn't be together, that fate itself would intervene to keep them apart." She takes a long sip of wine and swallows. "I get it now. Sometimes... sometimes it's just not meant to be."

"I don't...no."

He listens to her tell the story synopsis and lets go of her so she can continue to drown her sorrows in her box of wine. Josh wishes he still had access to his money right now. That he could get her some top shelf alcohol or spoil her in any number of ways. Josh might have been rich, once, but he always felt the most happy when he was using that wealth to do something nice for the people he cared about.

It's been so long since he arrived here that he's pretty used to being broke though. The urge to splurge on his friends hasn't completely left him though. There's just less to be done about it. The hangover medicine and bottles of water will have to do. Also a packet of scrunchies so he can pull her hair back if he needs to later.

"It's still a pretty bullshit idea, even if it's true."

Any top shelf alcohol would likely be wasted on her, at this point. She's drinking to forget, to numb the pain... so far the only thing she's managed to numb is her tastebuds.

The water and medicine will do her good, though. She only had enough for the boxed wine and ice cream, she didn't think about what would come after. But what is worth the most is Josh being here for her. Reminding her that she isn't alone.

"Yeah." She lets out a soft, watery laugh. "Yeah, it's bullshit. At least if it was because we stopped getting along or something, that'd be a reason, you know? This just feels like a cruel joke." With her as the punchline.

His friend Emily swore by it not hitting you as hard the next morning but Josh has never been sure if it was true or not. Mostly he just indulged her because if she was torn up enough to go to Josh about something, he wanted to try and make her feel better any way he could.

His friends used to be such a tightly knit group, Before. Before the prank that ended in his sisters' disappearance. Before Joshua sought retribution. Revenge. He'd sat with all of them at least once just like this. Drinking away their breakups or parents divorce or whatever was hurting them. Watching a movie together. Whatever they needed.

In some ways, Joshua has never felt more normal than he does right now.

"Life's not fair though, you know? Little things end up causing huge fucking catastrophes. Sometimes you don't get a choice. And sometimes, even if you do, you end up face to face with a real goddamned monster. It's bullshit and it's rigged and the people who get hurt don't deserve it, more often than not."

He knows that better than anyone. It's even been his fault.

"So, you want to keep watching cute animal gifs or should I pull up a movie or something on my phone? I'll stay with you as long as you need. No one should have to get sick from the aftermath of this kind of thing alone."

"Sometimes I think I do deserve it," Adia admits in a small voice. She doesn't look at Josh, as if ashamed to say it. "Maybe not me personally, but... this whole thing started because we built robots to do awful things so we wouldn't have to, and the moment they showed any signs of sentience, we tried to destroy them. Now we're reaping what we sowed."

She'd take the blame if she could, if it meant that it could somehow repair the damage between her and Caspar. Or maybe it's easier to take on the fault of a handful of robotics engineers from forty years ago rather than accept that Josh is right -- life isn't fair.

"Um... sure. We can watch a movie." Following something with an actual plot would probably take her mind of things more easily than animal videos, no matter how cute. She looks at Josh again and manages a small smile. "Thanks for staying with me."

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Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

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