+1 "Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me"

[nomoreroom]

So! This wasn't actually what he was expecting, when he opened the kitchen door today. He had an excellent venison burger sitting in the fridge, practically calling his name, but he opened the door to the Hotel kitchen, wouldn't you know it-

A completely alternate dimension. Well isn't that just a fine how do you do?

Now if he were a demon of more basic desires and concrete obvious goals, he'd have shut that door and kept trying it until he got his goddamn burger.

Clearly, though, that wasn't what happened.

Tall, that's what he was, way too tall to not stand out, all limbs and pointed fingers and jagged dagger smile, gleeful as he wandered about the plaza and no doubt scaring the children, if there happened to be any unfortunate enough to be there. Nosy thing too, deer-like ears swiveling this way and that to eavesdrop on any possible conversation in the immediate area.

And when he opened his mouth, the hiss and crackle of an old radio came out with a pop, that voice tinny, gleeful and disquieting.

"Good evenin' folks, fantastic night out, isn't it?

Now, I went about readin' your how to's and what do's and where go's and how so's, but I still got a question for you fine, lovely folks out there.

How many of you beautiful surface citizens came from somewhere a little further south? Don't be shy now, step right up."

Comments

[outpostcook]

"That's how we found out how dangerous it was. It attacked our dogs. Did to them what I figure it did to me. It digests animals and takes their place, including people animals. We figured we had to stop it before it took over a bird or somethin' and got to the mainland."

That would have been the end of all life on Earth. Everyone in the camp had decided not to let that happen - unfortunately, by that point it was almost certain that the Thing already claimed at least one human victim, and no one knew who. Kinner could identify his attacker if he saw him, but it was far too late for that.

"I got jumped in my quarters. Somebody came in who I recognized, but it wasn't him at all, and it was on me before I could do much of anything to stop it. Didn't even get the chance to fight back."

[nomoreroom]

"Now that's genius! A bird! Hey, does it learn everything the original knew?

Now that's a nasty thought, isn't it? Imagine if it ate someone who knew how to operate an aircraft! Say, this sounds like a swell horror story now, wonder if it's been done before."

[outpostcook]

"We thought so, yes. Whenever it ate someone, it learned how to do everything the original could. And we got a helicopter pilot..."

He hoped that Van Wall had not been eaten, or if he had the imitation was caught quickly. The alternative would not be good. Even assuming the creature didn't know how to build itself a spaceship or something while their backs were turned.

"Well, I figure there's nothing I can do about it here. I just hope my friend had the good sense to watch his back better than I did."

[nomoreroom]

"Hey, already dead! So what if everyone else gets eaten, right? Doesn't effect you anymore!

If anything, that means you got a lot of company comin'! Tell you what, Kinner, it's just awful to be all alone after death. Always good to have some nice company around, right?"

[outpostcook]

"I kinda do wanna see some of my old friends from base again. Blair, too, so we can yell at him for lettin' that thing out and gettin' us killed." Kinner isn't usually one to hold grudges, and he figured getting killed by the monster he unleashed would be an appropriately ironic punishment for Blair, but he wants the biologist around so he can yell at him.

The other guys, he'd just invite them out for a drink or something and find out what happened to them. Maybe he'd learn his killer's identity that way, or, rather, who the creature imitated so it could have a go at him.

"The other guys - Clark, Connant, Van Wall, McReady, Norris, Copper - I got no particular beef with them. They're good guys. Good at their jobs. Wouldn't mind seein' 'em again, even under circumstances like these."

The demon's point is tempting. Kinner has no way of knowing what happened in his home world, so for all he knows the Thing wiped out humankind entirely. It would be unfortunate, but there's nothing he could do at any rate, and he may as well put a bright spin on the situation.

"You'll probably know 'em if you see 'em. Buncha guys turnin' up in polar gear like yours truly."

[nomoreroom]

"At least they'll be easy to spot! Don't worry, Kinner, I'm sure all your friends will show up after you real soon. Maybe not here here, but haha, in your general area of existence, if you get my meaning." Hey, he thought that was perfectly reassuring.

Death is more fun with company!

[outpostcook]

"I'd like to see 'em, honestly. Clear up a few things. Maybe ask what happened after I got killed, find out how that thing got them. Reckon I'll hear some interesting stories." He knows the alien claimed at least one other human victim, probably more than one considering how quickly it started attacking them.

He shook his head. "The whole expedition turned out to be a complete disaster. First folks gettin' eaten, then nobody trusts each other. 'Pologies if I sound bitter."

[nomoreroom]

"Be as bitter as you like, you're dead! You can do whatever you want! Comes with the territory of not bein' a member of the livin' anymore, Kinner! Heaven or hell or anywhere in between, the world's your oyster.

Hey, at least you don't remember what it was like, gettin' eaten, right? What a nightmare that would be, huh?"

[outpostcook]

"Doesn't mean I don't know what happened. The thing digested people alive and popped out copies. Took their faces, our memories, everything. Hypnotized 'em or somethin' so they wouldn't struggle. So I figure that's what it did to me."

At least he doesn't remember feeling it. Just knowing was bad enough, thank you very much.

"Back where I came from, most of the other men didn't treat me with all that much respect." Kinner huffs, still bitter. "I would've liked to see how long they would've lasted without my cooking, I'll have you know!"

[nomoreroom]

"Hey, at least it knocked you out first, Kinner! There's a guy we got down in Hell who got eaten alive and awake!

Call him Mumbles, hasn't been right ever since! Real hell of a guy, quite the screamer, haha!

I mean heck, without you, they'd have probably starved before they could thaw anything out of the ice! An alien, an ice mummy, a dropped can of baked beans.

Useless without you, my friend, absolutely useless!"

[outpostcook]

"Thank you! Somebody finally gets it!" Even if that "somebody" is a vaguely creepy and suspiciously friendly demon from Hell, it's better than nothing.

Kinner can't stop himself from shuddering. As bad as his situation was, it could always be worse, and he thanks his lucky stars he doesn't remember what the creature did to him. It can't have been pleasant.

"Who's the guy who died 'cause he ate his campmate? My expedition was a mess, but at least we didn't eat each other. While we were still human, at least."

Kinner's morbidly curious about what went wrong on that one. Hey, they were both dead.

[nomoreroom]

"Wasn't too forthcoming with all the details, Kinner. Seemed kind of embarrassed about it, real shame. Kept sayin' how he didn't need all this gettin' out, you see.

Truth be told, the fine folks in Hell find out about you no matter how hard you try and keep a secret, Kinner. I didn't have to tell anyone his name at all! Knew who he was before I could get through the first part of the story, real obvious guy!"

[outpostcook]

Not too surprising. There are probably all kinds of stories people wouldn't necessarily want getting out in Hell. And braining a friend to eat them out of starvation isn't the kind of thing anyone would be proud of.

"Wonder what they'll think of my story, then." Kinner manages a twisted smile. "As you put it, not everybody gets eaten by an alien. Especially not an alien that's probably walkin' around in Antarctica pretendin' it's me and havin' my friends for the main course." Kinner's a little resentful of his campmates, sure, but that doesn't mean he wants all of them to be eaten. Even Blair. Although if any of them did deserve it, it would be Blair. "Wonder why it chose me. Luck of the draw?"

[nomoreroom]

"Access to the kitchen and a brain full of recipes maybe! Heck, if my favorite food was humans and I hadn't had a meal in a couple thousand years, I'd wanna try out some new recipes too!"

HOW GRUESOME.

"Gotta be boring eating everything rare all the time!"

[outpostcook]

"Well, if there's one thing I like about this place, it's the recipes. I've had the chance to try all kinds of new things. Even better, starvin' is a thing of the past." Kinner's used his time here to gather up ingredients, learn more recipes, and visit other restaurants to size up the competition. Needless to say, the cook's been better fed in the Nexus than he ever was in Antarctica.

Kinner is trying to look for the bright side in everything, especially since he's not going anywhere.

"I'm going to be setting up a food stand in the Plaza, if you ever feel like a little somethin'." Demons from Hell are still potential customers, and Kinner figures he ought to advertise. "If you ever wanna check out what I have to offer for yourself."

[nomoreroom]

"Depends, you know how to prepare a decent venison steak, Kinner? I'd kill a man for a good one, I'll tell you."

[outpostcook]

Kinner nods. "Yeah, I can handle meat. Venison steaks included." Kinner can fix up most anything meat-based, though he mostly serves seafood. He'll be willing to make an exception here, however - he knows better than to say no to a demon from Hell.