nexus_crossings | +1 Cylon to the Nexus

+1 Cylon to the Nexus

There is a man standing near the vending machines in the Plaza, dressed in a well-tailored, peacock blue suit. He looks like he could get you an excellent rate on your second mortgage, but you'd be wise to double-check the fine print before you sign anything. As he fixes himself a cup of coffee, he glances periodically at the people who pass by, his expression perfectly neutral. Although the more astute might pick up on the way he tugs at the cuffs of his sleeves impatiently, as if wishing he were somewhere else.

Finally, he sighs. "Okay. Listen up. Adia asked me to come here because she thought it'd be good for me to make some friends, so if you see her, you can tell her that we chatted and save yourself the actual trouble. All right? I'm sure we're all very busy people."

He takes a sip from his to-go cup and grimaces. "On second thought, can anyone tell me where I can get a decent coffee around here? I can't believe she's been drinking this stuff for the past three years.."

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Josh's reply makes Caspar's smile grow, even as it's tinged with frustration. That is so typically Adia, helping others before she helps herself. He wishes that she wouldn't, even if he benefits from that same generosity. She's happy and healthy now, but he remembers how she looked on New Caprica, her skin too pale, her hair limp and dull, her nails cracked and dirty...

The image won't leave him, not even when Josh starts talking again. It slows his steps, turns his smile into an unhappy frown.

"Hey." He waits for Josh to stop and look at him. His expression has gone neutral again, save for the intensity of his gaze. "She told you about what I did, right? That I -- that I killed myself in front of her? Pushed her away when she saw me again? You know that, right? You can't know about me and not know that. So why are you acting like this? Like -- like I deserve her?"

Josh stops in his tracks, slowly turns around so he can face Caspar. His hands are slipping into the pockets of his khakis to keep warm. The beanie on his head and heavy flannel shirt keep him comfortable otherwise, so he doesn't seem bothered even when his breath comes in little clouds while he listens to Caspar speak.

His face falls sightly, though it's decidedly more annoyed than Caspar probably expects after such a confession.

"Yeah, she told me. Also told me how you saved her life when she saw you again." He gives the Cylon a shrug of his shoulders. There are dark circles under his eyes. Josh reaches up with his left hand to touch at the webbed scar he has on his right shoulder underneath his clothes.

You're a monster!

"Look bro, I ain't the sort of person who can judge a guy on his past. I can tell you care about her an' you're dedicated to her now. You want me to be judgmental? Tell you you don't deserve her? I bet I can't do a millionth of the shit you already tell yourself every goddamn minute of every goddamned day." Josh knows the feeling all too well. Caspar isn't the only monster here in the Nexus. "I don't deserve her friendship either. But I got it, so only thing to be done is to live every day trying to earn it and keep it."

With winter coming, Josh doesn't want to think too hard about the Nightmare he walked through during Halloween. Everything gets worse when the nights grow long and the snow starts to fall.

"You're not the only one with a shitty past story to tell, so maybe just let me take you at face value like folks do to me and not throw rocks from my glass house, alright? You want a cuppa joe or what?"

Edited 2017-12-06 16:50 (UTC)

He listens silently, his hazel eyes dark and intense, scanning over Josh's face as if looking for a lie. This man -- this young man who looks barely old enough to buy himself a beer -- he can't possibly understand Caspar's pain. Can he? Not only understand, but use that understanding for empathy instead of derision.

There's a part of him that wants to slap away the extended olive branch, to insist that he doesn't deserve the courtesy. That he hasn't paid his penance, not until he can think of what he did to Adia without wanting to claw his own heart out. She may have forgiven him, but he hasn't forgiven himself.

Dammit. Josh is right.

"All right," he says, looking away. "All right. You made your point." He'll resume walking with Josh towards the café, although it's only a few steps before he adds, "Does Adia know about any of that? Your 'shitty' past?"

"I don't think so?" It's difficult for Josh to tell sometimes who knows what. Especially when he doesn't remember a lot of the fucked up shit he says or does when he's having an episode. "She knows some of it. Knowing me for as long as she has, she's gotta know some of it. Warnings from some of her other friends, maybe."

The Cross Roads cafe comes into sight when they round the next corner. Josh doesn't change his pace any but he gestures to it as soon as it can be seen.

"I don't really reckon you care much about my past, but if you're worried because of how it might affect Adia I don't mind telling you. Seems only fair since I know yours."

That's a strange sort of answer. He looks Josh over again, not suspicious so much as curious. "She didn't warn me about you."

Is that a smile? No. Must be a trick of the light.

The café looks nice enough. Not too far from the Plaza, either. His eyes are on it while Josh makes his offer. "If she's considers you a friend then it doesn't matter how much I worry," he says tiredly. "But yeah, I'll listen to your story." He still finds it difficult to imagine that Josh has done anything guilt-inducing as he has, but he'll reserve judgement until he's heard what the other man has to say.

"Adia trusts folks who don't deserve it a lot." Josh rubs his hand against the back of his neck while turning to pull one of the whimsical oversized whisks that serve as handles for the entrance doors. "I do my best to make sure she doesn't regret it. From me, at least."

Rather than sidling up to the counter to order something however, Josh is quick to move behind it and wash his hands.

"How do you take your coffee?" Storytime after drinks are made.

His jaw tenses a little with renewed suspicion, although it's not directed at Josh. "Who doesn't deserve it? Besides us, I mean." Already well aware of how easily Adia trusts others, it makes him nervous that she'd be so free with it in the Nexus. This place is full of all kinds of trouble.

The café, at least, seems normal. Refreshingly normal compared to some of what he's already seen. He sits at the counter, following Josh with his eyes as he preps for his order. "Black is fine. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, except for chocolate." But it has to be the really good kind.

"That ain't the sort of thing for us to decide is it? But like, she's good friends with a drug dealer an' a Winter spirit even though she's also besties with Captain freakin' America. I figure anyone who gives her trouble will gotta go through him and Officer Suou an' pretty much everydamn one in the Nexus at this rate."

Josh serves up a cup of their breakfast roast to Caspar and pours himself up a glass of iced coffee before rejoining Caspar on the customer side of the cafe and gesturing to one of the little tables.

"I'm glad you're alive, by the by. She...she really cares about you."

Oh, Caspar is more than willing to decide who doesn't deserve Adia's trust, thank you very much. He won't stop her from being friends with anyone but he'll definitely be keeping an eye on any suspicious characters. Like a drug dealer, apparently, although that's not ringing any bells.

The Winter spirit, however... "Reynard," he says quietly. "I remember her mentioning him." It's the one name that's stuck, out of all the others, because of the way she said it, like he's the greatest guy in the multiverse.

He tightens his jaw, and takes the cup of coffee. But by the time he gets up and heads over to the table, his expression has softened. "...thanks." He glances Josh's way and adds, "I won't let her down again. I promise."

"Yeah, it's getting to be his time of the year though. I'd steer clear of him until spring. He's fuckin' weird during winter and not on a cool way, bro."

Josh sips at his coffee with a tiny contented hum. One of the perks of working here is he never goes hungry.

"I'm just the schmuck who hangs out with her, but I appreciate you tryin' to convince me. Like I said before, bro. Glass houses. I may not have fucked up with Adia yet, but I sure as fuck have with everyone I used to know back in my world."

That absolutely does not set his mind at ease. He stares at Josh anxiously. "Weird in what way, then? Is he a threat to Adia?"

He almost forgets to take a sip of coffee. It's good, and despite the caffeine, it manages to soothe his nerves.

"That's something I want everyone to know," he says firmly. "Whether they're friends with her or not. But why don't you go ahead and tell me about your glass house since you already know all about mine?"

"I'm not sure." Josh's admission must not be helping. "But he's responsible for helping Winter along, and he's real dedicated to it. Sometimes it's hard for humans like us to be around him while he's working."

Josh is almost glad to have the conversation steer toward himself. Talking about Reynard always unsettles Josh, especially this time of year. Almost. He takes a sip of his iced coffee and taps one finger against the table slowly.

"I tried to make the people I love hate me so no one would miss me when I killed myself. Went overboard with it. Traumatized a lot of folks. Faked my own death." He stares out the window with a distant look in his eyes. Talking about it makes him remember the mountain. The voices. The dampness of the caves he was trapped in.

"It didn't work out the way I planned it."

Caspar's lips press into a thin, frustrated line. Josh's answer does not reassure or enlighten him. He has no experience with spirits -- he barely has experience with winter, only false memories of a childhood on Virgon. How can he assess Reynard as a threat if he barely knows how he operates?

"...I'll have to ask Adia," he says. She won't like him casting aspersions on a dear friend, but at least she'll be honest. If her sweet, trusting heart hasn't blinded her to a legitimate danger.

He takes a sip of coffee, willing to leave that topic behind, focusing on Josh's story. His expression, curious to begin with, doesn't change, but it's a long moment before he says anything.

"Too bad you didn't know me back then. I could have saved yourself the trouble." The faintest of smirks. "That shit never works."

"Planned it out down to every gory detail. That was the only thing keeping me alive for a while. Planning it out. Building the props. Making sure everything was perfect. I told myself it was for revenge, getting them back for hurting my sisters. For them dying."

Josh sips at his coffee and keeps that thousand yard stare going out the window.

"That was a fat load of shit. I hurt the two people who had nothing to do with it the most, because I knew they'd be hurt if I died. I had to make sure they'd never miss me. Make them hate me, curse me. I could be the villain if it meant they'd suffer less in the long run."

He's not there on the mountain anymore. Josh blinks and seems startled for just a second that he's sitting in the cafe. Slides and uneasy glance toward Caspar.

"It doesn't work. No matter how hard you try. It doesn't work."

The mention of the dead sisters gets a brief eyebrow raise, but otherwise Caspar doesn't bother trying to express any sympathy. It's not like Josh will notice; the man is in his own little world, the same faraway stare in his eyes that Caspar gets when he dwells too much on the past. When he mentally projects himself somewhere else.

"Revenge makes people do crazy shit," he says, once Josh is looking at him. He takes a small sip of coffee. Swallows. "So long as you don't try any of that with Adia, I'm not going to judge you."

It's about as close as Caspar will admit that he understands the pain Josh is going through. "Did you get a chance to apologize?" he asks. "Or do they all think you're still dead?"

"Not intending to do any of that shit to anyone again."

He wants to say don't worry, but Sam didn't deserve any of that shit either. Neither did Chris. The two most important people in his life yet and he just. Ruined them. All because he was tired of living. It doesn't matter what his intentions were, he hurt them in ways they'll never recover from.

What's to say he wouldn't do the same to Adia some day?

"I got to see Chris again, for a little while. Apologized to him. My best friend. The others...I'm dead to them I assume. They got rescued, Chris said. When dawn came. I was stuck in the mines. Alone. No one came for me, I was starving. Who knows what woulda happened if I hadn't ended up here."

As much as he'd like to get Adia's safety on lockdown, he knows that Josh can only promise him so much. The fact that he's willingly telling him all this is a point in his favor.

He listens to Josh's answer. Takes another sip of coffee. When he finally speaks, it's quiet, and he's looking away. "I was on Galactica during the final battle. Only a few of us went, the rest were Centurions. I wanted something mindless to do, so I marched on board with the rest of them." His jaw twitches. "I got shot immediately. I spent the rest of the fight bleeding out behind a stack of barrels. And the whole time, all I could think was... finally. But then Galactica jumped to Earth, and a Six found me and patched me up. The first thing I asked, when I realized the Cylons weren't going to kill me, was if Adia had survived. If she hadn't..."

If she hadn't, he had a razor stolen from a nurse hidden underneath his mattress.

He lets out a slow breath, then swings his sober gaze up to Josh. "I don't live for myself. I live for her. But it keeps me going. You have anyone like that in the Nexus, or are your friends enough?"

Josh snorts none too subtly, face dripping with self loathing. Caspar has a reason to live and Josh isn't going to fault him for it. But not every monster has someone waiting to try and tame them.

In a lot of ways, Adia is lucky Caspar is so devoted to her. Her task would be insurmountable otherwise.

"No one. I don't know why I'm around anymore. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping I'll find an answer sometime. All I know is, I don't wanna hurt anyone else like I did before."

"All right," he says, sounding mildly irritated. "I'm pretty sure Adia would be heartbroken if you offed yourself, so don't." Just because he's empathetic to Josh's attitude doesn't mean he has time for pity parties. "And from the way she talks, over half the Nexus is tripping over themselves to help out people like us. You've got a job here, right? It could be worse."

Caspar Millen, master of the pep talk.

"...Says the guy who was begging me to rip into him half an hour ago." Josh rolls his eyes and points right back at Caspar over his cup of iced coffee.

"I think I get one, after that. I get it. You don't need my baggage anymore than I need yours. And we're both fantastically sarcastic assholes. Who somehow, Adia likes. You decidedly more than me. Which is how it oughta be. So get yer robo-panties out of a bunch and enjoy your damn coffee. You're makinig friends, just like she wants you to."

Sip.

Josh's little speech gets an unreadable, unblinking stare for a solid five seconds.

Then he shakes his head and laughs.

"It takes a special kind of person to see past our particular brand of garbage, doesn't it? I wasn't asking about the coffee for myself, by the way. I want to know where to take her from now on. It is good coffee, though, so thanks for that."

He takes a sip to demonstrate. When he sets the cup back down, his expression has turned a shade pensive.

"She sees the way the humans in the settlement look at me. I don't personally give a frak, but I know it bothers her, that no one's giving me a second chance. That's why she asked me to come here. I don't think she really believes me when I tell her that she's all I need."

"Maybe that's all you need, but it's a different story for her. Humans are social creatures, bro. Filling aaaaaaaaaallll your physical and emotional needs by herself is too much for anydamn one person. Plus if she has to listen to you snark and bitch about people and things she likes all day, it wears on a gal."

Josh shrugs either way. Adia's stronger than she looks.

"If you won't make a goddamn friend for yourself, do it for her. Having a bit of time to herself and you unloading some of your shit on someone else for five minutes is good for her too."

"Excuse you, I don't snark and bitch to her about the things she likes." He straightens the knot of his tie irritably. "I don't begrudge her for having friends, either. That's not what this is about."

He picks up his coffee cup, then sets it down again without taking another sip.

"And stop calling me 'bro'. I'm not your bro. You don't hate me? Great. How about we leave it at that."

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+1 Cylon to the Nexus

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