+1 "Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me"

[nomoreroom]

So! This wasn't actually what he was expecting, when he opened the kitchen door today. He had an excellent venison burger sitting in the fridge, practically calling his name, but he opened the door to the Hotel kitchen, wouldn't you know it-

A completely alternate dimension. Well isn't that just a fine how do you do?

Now if he were a demon of more basic desires and concrete obvious goals, he'd have shut that door and kept trying it until he got his goddamn burger.

Clearly, though, that wasn't what happened.

Tall, that's what he was, way too tall to not stand out, all limbs and pointed fingers and jagged dagger smile, gleeful as he wandered about the plaza and no doubt scaring the children, if there happened to be any unfortunate enough to be there. Nosy thing too, deer-like ears swiveling this way and that to eavesdrop on any possible conversation in the immediate area.

And when he opened his mouth, the hiss and crackle of an old radio came out with a pop, that voice tinny, gleeful and disquieting.

"Good evenin' folks, fantastic night out, isn't it?

Now, I went about readin' your how to's and what do's and where go's and how so's, but I still got a question for you fine, lovely folks out there.

How many of you beautiful surface citizens came from somewhere a little further south? Don't be shy now, step right up."

Comments

[nomoreroom]

Now, other dead people he's used to! Never stumbled across one that wasn't in Hell though, for obvious reasons, so Kinner might be on the receiving end of some uncomfortable attention, the deer demon looming over him with that apparently permanent razor maw grin.

"All the way down in Antarctica! Hey, I met a man who died down there once too! Turns out he was tryin' to find the south pole, ended up in Hell after they ran out of food and he knocked his partners brains out for the meat.

Nice guy, bit on the morose side.

No my friend, I'm not talkin' about Antarctica either, don't get much further south than where I'm from, I'm sure you know what I mean, son. You look like a bright kid.

So how'd you go about dyin' down there? Hey, while we're on the subject, how'd you end up here instead of upstairs? Or downstairs. I'm not gonna make any judgement calls on your morality, my friend, just wanna know where the detour showed up for you."

[outpostcook]

Cannibalism. Kinner knows those stories, too, a bit comforted by the fact that he was too much on the lean side to be a great meal. He didn't want to end up in that boat - he'd dine on seal or even a sled dog, and would never think of eating a human. But the possibility was always a haunting one, the kind of things people resort to when there's little choice left. And apparently something else down there found Kinner quite delicious.

"I got eaten. There was a monster down there. We found it frozen in the ice and some of us figured unthawing it was a good idea. Turned out as well as you'd expect. Big blue ugly thing with tentacles and bright red eyes with the evil glowin' in 'em. Somethin' you might be, uh, familiar with."

He hadn't been killed in the conventional way - he didn't remember what the creature did to him, but it was probably deeply unpleasant given his team's suspicions of its abilities. He's glad the creature put him to sleep before it went to work, though less out of charity and more because, if he struggled, he could raise the alarm.

"That thing's probably walkin' around where I came from, pretendin' to be me, and there ain't a thing I can do about it." Kinner's resentful, more of being impersonated than of being digested alive. The latter was unfortunate, the former was flat-out an insult. "I don't know how I ended up here."

[nomoreroom]

Thawing out a thing you found in the ice. A pause, and then uproarious laughter, one clawed hand smacking his knee as the entity doubled over for a second.

"You... you got-" More laughter, static occasionally crackling over it. Hold on, let him get himself back together.

"Ha ha haaaa, you got eaten by a monster you thawed out of the ice. Ooooh forgive me, kiddo, I'm sorry. That just sounds like an absolute disaster, what a way to go.

Funny as hell! That'll be a good story for later. Who made the call to deice it anyway? You?" Somehow, he doubted that.

The comment about it possibly wandering around, pretending to be Kinner, just caused that laughter to threaten to come back again, Alastor snorting as his mouth twisted just a bit further upwards.

"Shucks, son, what a story. You got some rotten luck, kiddo. Sounds like the start of a good stand up routine. You'd be popular at the bar."

[outpostcook]

Kinner shakes his head, managing a twisted smile. "No, wasn't my idea. I had my doubts. A bunch of scientists did it. Not all of 'em, to be fair, and I think they knew it was a terrible idea once it started eatin' folks."

He hopes Professor Blair is ashamed of himself for getting people eaten. And he was supposed to be a smart guy. If he was there, and if the world was fair he would be (Kinner isn't quite sure he deserves Hell, since he didn't plan for folks to be eaten), Kinner would give him an earful.

"And the best part is it's all true. Thing snuck up on me and I was out like a light. Didn't even know what happened until I woke up in this place." He thinks for a moment. "Is that critter from your neck of the woods? We figured it was from space."

The Thing being from Hell was as good an explanation as any other. He'd believe it.

[nomoreroom]

"Too bad you don't go to Hell for bein' stupid, right son? I'd love to have a talk with the brainiac who made that suggestion. No really! Make a great story, wouldn't it? Live on air, the man who unleashed a body snatchin' anthropophage from God knows where in the name of science.

I love it!" Hey, he thought it was funny.

"Oh I doubt it son. It's awful hard to get out of Hell, awful tricky. Not a lot of folks have done it, gotta be good enough to get out! No son, I think you got eaten by a certified, bona fide, genuine and one of a kind alien.

Fun!"

[outpostcook]

Kinner folds his arms. He has a hard time disagreeing with the being's sentiments about Blair. Honestly, if the biologist was in front of him he'd be spewing out worse things.

"Well, if you ever meet a Professor Blair down in Hell, tell him Kinner says he's the stupidest man who ever lived." There's a hint of bitterness in Kinner's voice. He'd probably be less bitter if Blair's idea to thaw the alien hadn't gotten him killed, but he figures he has every reason to be resentful.

He's not sure whether or not to be relieved that the Thing wasn't from Hell. If it was a regular creature, it might be killable. Emphasis on might. And also he had the dubious honor of being eaten by an alien. Doesn't happen to everyone.

"That sure makes me feel special."

[nomoreroom]

"I'll keep an ear out for him! Hope he swings around my way, I got a lot of questions for him!" Like 'can you chew gum and walk at the same time' and 'did you get your degree at the bottom of a cracker jack box?'

One clawed hand swings down to try and clap on Kinner's shoulder, firm and sharp, in some heavy and disquieting parody of a motion of comfort.

"It should! Not a lot of folks get killed by aliens! It's like findin' a unicorn, son!"

A cannibalistic, body stealing, horrific unicorn from outer space.

"Hey there's worse ways to go! Could have froze to death! Drowned! Avalanche could have happened and you could have been trapped under the snow and ice for days on end, eventually dying delirious and malnourished, never to be uncovered!"

[outpostcook]

"Well, I want to know what on Earth he was thinking. I mean, ol' Norris said it was a terrible idea. Why didn't we listen to him is what I wanna know."

"I guess you're right that it coulda been worse. Like the guy where you came from who killed his campmate and ate him." Kinner shudders. He would not want to be in that position. His killer being human would have been even worse.

He figures there are a few more folks who got killed by the Thing. Maybe he'll bump into them eventually.

"The name's Kinner. I'm pretty new here myself, though I'm glad I wound up here. I'm guessin' they take cooks where you came from."

[nomoreroom]

"Who knows! I'd like to, that's for sure. Oh well, can't go back in time and fix it! Dead now, dead forever, son." The afterlife was sort of a second chance. Ssssorrrrt of.

"And the worst part about it was, eatin' the body was what killed him! His buddy had one hell of an infection, probably would have died on his own shortly anyway!

I know he sure did! Talk about irony!" Again, he thought it was very funny.

The demon moved to try and grab Kinner's hand for a firm, enthusiastic shake. "Pleasure to meet you, Kinner! Name's Alastor, just absolutely over the moon to be here. They sure do take cooks, Kinner, they sure do. I'll put in a good word for you if you ever head my way, I can get you a job in the best establishments The Pentagram has to offer."

[outpostcook]

"Blair thought the thing was talking to him in his head. No, I dunno how it works, either, but I'd guess it had a word with him and poked him into unthawing it. Maybe promised it wouldn't eat everyone if he did." Kinner sighed. "For a smart guy, Blair was pretty damn stupid. Least when it came to that."

He accepts the handshake, careful to be polite. Maybe he'd bump into the people-eater if he ever did visit Hell at some point. If he did, he'd try his best to seem, uh, unappetizing.

"Thanks for the job offer. I'll think about it." Kinner isn't the Hell kind of guy, he's a God-fearer like any other, but he figures he isn't going to Heaven anyway and he may as well visit just to yell at Blair. "Glad you like the Nexus. It ain't a bad place to be."

[nomoreroom]

"Probably was! Now that's something a demon would do right there, Kinner. Sweet talk the living into lettin' them out, dazzle 'em with promises- Promise 'em the moon, Kinner!

Then eat all of 'em.

Say, maybe your alien friend was a demon! Maybe he just got turned around, ended up freezing in Antarctica. Well, there's no intelligence requirement for gettin' into Hell, Kinner, even if it's not a mark against you."

[outpostcook]

Kinner has to admit that tricking people into getting themselves eaten is the kind of thing a demon would do. His only regret is that he didn't slam a butcher's knife into the monster's skull. Then again, given what they knew about it, that might not have done any good.

"I hope I tasted horrible." He's just a little rueful, as anyone who had been eaten would be. "Look at me. All skin and bone. No nutrition here." Unless the creature attacked him for another reason.

He'd thought it was a man entering his quarters, though he couldn't for the life of him remember who it was. Not that it would help - there'd be no point being angry at another victim.

[nomoreroom]

"Now I don't know, there's somethin' to be said about a good bone broth, Kinner! Marrow's surprisingly good too, little salt, little pepper. Easy to make!"

This might not be a good topic to take with Alastor.

"All I'm sayin' is don't sell yourself short."

[outpostcook]

"Well, I guess I was good enough."

Kinner shrugs. He figures the creature made quick work out of him, anyway, and he has a feeling it might be better to change the subject.

"You actually think I might be good at comedy?" He brightens a little, just a little. Sure, any humor from his experience would be as dark as dark gets, but it's Hell. That comes with the territory, he figures.

[nomoreroom]

"That's the spirit, son.

Sure I do! You know what they say, comedy is tragedy, plus time! Anything can sound funny if you sit on it long enough! Sure made me laugh."

[outpostcook]

"Well, I reckon the funny thing about the whole mess is that I didn't expect t'go out this way. Being eaten by an alien and all that." He still thinks Blair was stupid. At least the whole episode wasn't his fault.

Kinner laughs, thinly but genuine. At least he went out in an interesting way.

"Lemme know if anyone from my old team shows up in your place. Maybe I could drop by to say hi."

[nomoreroom]

"Ain't every day you get eaten as a thank you for bustin' someone out of prison." Well, an icy prison anyway.

"Seems ungrateful, doesn't it? Hey work that in too, people love a relatable joke!" Everyone knows ungrateful assholes! Hell, a few people in Hell would be able to sympathize entirely with being eaten by an ungrateful asshole.

"I'll keep my eyes peeled for em, Kinner! You'll be the first person I'll tell."

[outpostcook]

"Thank you. Just...wanna know who made it and who didn't, if I can. Got thirty-six folks to check up on."

Kinner nods and smiles, sincerely thankful for the offer. He doesn't want to go to Hell - he can't really think of much he's done that's bad enough to end up there, and he much prefers the Nexus - but seeing old friends might be one reason to take the risk and go, for closure if nothing else.

"You know what? You're right. We went through all that trouble to bust the damn thing out, over our best instincts, and it goes and eats a bunch of us. What we did to deserve that is what I wanna know. We had cows. It coulda eaten those. If it even needed to eat." Maybe Blair had figured he could reason with the Thing. He was wrong, of course, but they were noble enough intentions. "Hell, I'm a cook. I coulda made stuff to feed it with. But no."

[nomoreroom]

"I mean even if human is it's favorite, a grateful monster would have picked the cows!

Heck, it could have impersonated a pet and gotten itself eventually flown back to a densely populated area if it played its cards right! Could have had all the human it wanted!

So look at that, ungrateful and has corn mash for brains."

[outpostcook]

"That's how we found out how dangerous it was. It attacked our dogs. Did to them what I figure it did to me. It digests animals and takes their place, including people animals. We figured we had to stop it before it took over a bird or somethin' and got to the mainland."

That would have been the end of all life on Earth. Everyone in the camp had decided not to let that happen - unfortunately, by that point it was almost certain that the Thing already claimed at least one human victim, and no one knew who. Kinner could identify his attacker if he saw him, but it was far too late for that.

"I got jumped in my quarters. Somebody came in who I recognized, but it wasn't him at all, and it was on me before I could do much of anything to stop it. Didn't even get the chance to fight back."

[nomoreroom]

"Now that's genius! A bird! Hey, does it learn everything the original knew?

Now that's a nasty thought, isn't it? Imagine if it ate someone who knew how to operate an aircraft! Say, this sounds like a swell horror story now, wonder if it's been done before."

[outpostcook]

"We thought so, yes. Whenever it ate someone, it learned how to do everything the original could. And we got a helicopter pilot..."

He hoped that Van Wall had not been eaten, or if he had the imitation was caught quickly. The alternative would not be good. Even assuming the creature didn't know how to build itself a spaceship or something while their backs were turned.

"Well, I figure there's nothing I can do about it here. I just hope my friend had the good sense to watch his back better than I did."

[nomoreroom]

"Hey, already dead! So what if everyone else gets eaten, right? Doesn't effect you anymore!

If anything, that means you got a lot of company comin'! Tell you what, Kinner, it's just awful to be all alone after death. Always good to have some nice company around, right?"

[outpostcook]

"I kinda do wanna see some of my old friends from base again. Blair, too, so we can yell at him for lettin' that thing out and gettin' us killed." Kinner isn't usually one to hold grudges, and he figured getting killed by the monster he unleashed would be an appropriately ironic punishment for Blair, but he wants the biologist around so he can yell at him.

The other guys, he'd just invite them out for a drink or something and find out what happened to them. Maybe he'd learn his killer's identity that way, or, rather, who the creature imitated so it could have a go at him.

"The other guys - Clark, Connant, Van Wall, McReady, Norris, Copper - I got no particular beef with them. They're good guys. Good at their jobs. Wouldn't mind seein' 'em again, even under circumstances like these."

The demon's point is tempting. Kinner has no way of knowing what happened in his home world, so for all he knows the Thing wiped out humankind entirely. It would be unfortunate, but there's nothing he could do at any rate, and he may as well put a bright spin on the situation.

"You'll probably know 'em if you see 'em. Buncha guys turnin' up in polar gear like yours truly."

[nomoreroom]

"At least they'll be easy to spot! Don't worry, Kinner, I'm sure all your friends will show up after you real soon. Maybe not here here, but haha, in your general area of existence, if you get my meaning." Hey, he thought that was perfectly reassuring.

Death is more fun with company!