nexus_crossings | Blinded (with Science?)

Blinded (with Science?)

Furious, flustered and frightened, Isamu didn’t stop running until he’d reached the plaza. Out of breath, he sunk down behind one of the larger walls.

“Of all the… it is preposterous. That is what it is…” he huffed to himself, trying to gather his thoughts. “If I were actually collecting data without consent, or in direct violation of consent, that would be one thing… but a meta-analysis? A review of pre-existing literature? How can anyone object to that on ethical grounds?!”

Someone had, though. And that someone happened to be his brother’s girlfriend. Of course, it was not a question of if Minoru would find out about an argument heated enough to make the Anthean’s eyes glow. Just a question of when.

But at the moment, Isamu wasn’t even thinking about that.

“Is curiosity, in and of itself, a crime? If learning something new is satisfying or even pleasurable, does that automatically make it as reprehensible as getting high?” He pondered loud enough for any passersby to hear him. “Is science, simply because it requires empirical evidence, ideologically unethical? Where, between theory and practice, is that line drawn and who, if anyone, has the right to decide when it is crossed?!”

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Isamu didn’t pull away. He flinched, but he didn’t move. He slowly, between breaths, repeated what he’d heard to clarify it. “You… your people once did to us, well… species similar to us… what… what we did to Thomas?”

He wasn’t as afraid of that revelation as perhaps he should have been. Part of him was, but another part of him was just as Ziggy initially feared (something that he honestly just couldn’t help). A part of him was calm and intensely curious. Because if humans experimented on Thomas because he was an outsider, then it would stand to reason that humanoids whose minds worked differently than the others would be the perfect experiments. Would they know why his mind was broken? Did those notes exist? Could he see them? Would he even be able to understand them if he was able to read them? Would Ziggy be willing to translate?

It was probably a good thing nobody was reading anybody’s mind.

“Ziggy…” Minoru, meanwhile, looked up. He felt things that Isamu didn’t, and maybe never would. One of those things, especially right now, was the weight of the burden Ziggy carried.

“You’ll survive…” he whispered. “I know you can see the future. But the future can change. Every single thing we do, it can change something… This conversation right here! Maybe it’s changing something right now! You just don’t know it yet!”

"No." Ziggy says simply. "We did it to a species like us. One with empathy, like us. Another species on our own planet." Which in many ways, in the mind of Antheans, made their actions worse. When an empathetic species preyed on another empathetic species no one could claim ignorance. "I guess there are parallels though, since I exist. Our species are very different but we were closer in the very distant past. However, we learned from our mistakes and what we did to others. We are not sure humans will given your history but someone has to remain optimistic."

That was one of the triggers of that fear. He saw someone close to him step into that place Antheans feared, why the elders wanted nothing to do with Earth. It was the idea humans would not change and would even act against those closest to them. Ziggy tried to avoid those stereotypes even when it felt hard to do. It let him forgive where other Antheans wouldn't.

Minoru though Ziggy shook his head. "I do know. It's the cost of seeing the past and future. I know exactly what will happen if I fail and if I succeed." Ziggy turned his attention back to Isamu though because this struggle was important and no sense in starting a second. "One of the major paths to what we did was value can we over should we; of science over consideration; personal desires over universal benefit. Thomas may be a better person to talk to than I am. He was victimized by humans but he was also victimized by other Antheans in terrifyingly similar ways. He has seen both of our species fall into the darkness."

Ziggy touched the book Isamu still had in his hands. "I forgive you for not understanding but I still need you to understand." That was the honest part, an apology of sorts. Ziggy could forgive, in this case for more reasons than one. His eyes turned down to the pages of the notebook and he shook his head. "How do you feel about this notebook?"

Indeed, Ziggy and Minoru had been through that line of thought before, and likely would again. But this was not the time, nor the place. Minoru was here, at this precise moment, for Isamu, not for Ziggy or for himself.

He went quiet, and let Ziggy speak as they all pulled out of the long hug.

Isamu was quiet too, save for choppy breaths and ongoing sniffling. It took a couple of long minutes before he managed to think through a response.

“Do you need me to… to understand? Or to agree with you?” He asked softly, flinching as though this too would be the wrong answer. “It is… not possible for me to understand. Not… not well enough to satisfy your need. You said that yourself. And you are right. Before coming to the Nexus, I… I was a genius. I had everything figured out. I had my pick of the most prestigious Ph.D. programs in the country, and then this… here is this opportunity to propel my research ten thousand times farther than I ever thought possible… There are worlds, infinite numbers of worlds beyond mine… so… so much that I… I do not know… about any of it. To someone in my world, my mind is brilliant. To an Anthean, my mind is broken. You… you need me to understand the trajectory of an entire civilization from the perspective of a seemingly immortal species. Ziggy… I… I’m sorry… I… I do not know if even understand myself anymore.”

Not even Minoru knew what to say to that.

He hugged the notebook to his chest as though the answers could be found through osmosis. They couldn’t, of course. Antheans had some degree of psychometry. Humans did not.

“Scientific inquiry, research, analysis… it’s all I have.” Tears fell down his cheeks. “I don’t know how I am supposed to feel about it. Or if I feel anything in particular at all. But if I… I tell you I want to read it… you will take it away. You will berate me for my brokenness, and I will be no closer to figuring out why than I was yesterday. Except now, at least you know that the published paper has no mention of you or any of your data. I… I am sorry that is not enough.”

Ziggy was patient, infinitely patient, as were most Antheans. Thomas had wondered during his interactions with humans if it was a weakness of his people. Ziggy had gone back and forth between the ideas himself.

"I believe you are a good enough person that if you truly understood enough of my perspective we would agree more than we are right now, more than we had before." It was an honest answer. He didn't need full agreement but he did believe that Isamu was a good person.

"You believe it is impossible to understand but I think you can. We are coming into conflict, maybe, because I have more faith in your abilities in this moment than you do?" It's a gentle question, and sort of a statement. Ziggy isn't really sure which it is. "I have not said you are broken. Those are your beliefs even when I have spoken about you contrary to the point you still seem to believe. Why do you insist I think you are broken?"

That question came of curiosity, worry, confusion. While the worry might be hidden to Isamu the confusion is clear on his expression. He let out a long breath and considered.

"Whether or not you want to read it is not the point." Ziggy finally offers. "Whether or not you care about where it came from is?" He's speaking slowly, thinking his way through the emotions he has. "More importantly, perhaps, you need to consider why you continue to assume I think you are broken and remain upset with you even after I have said you are not broken and that I have forgiven you for our misunderstandings."

Ziggy looked at the other paper where it was sitting on the counter and smiled faintly. "I think it is a good gesture that you have removed the data, meaningful to me, but I would like you to understand why it is important and meaningful to me. You may stand here and believe I see a horrible person but you are the twin of someone I love. In my culture you are my family, as much my brother as my own twin. It takes humans a long time to adjust to our culture, I know this. You say you want to know us, Antheans, and I would teach you. However, right now, it resonates like you want to know WHAT we are and not WHO we are. That does make my species uncomfortable, makes some humans uncomfortable too... for someone to see a WHAT instead of a WHO."

“I… I put your baby sister to sleep. I cannot hear your telepathy, or telepathic messages from a number of different species, actually. I cannot feel your empathy.” Isamu whispered sheepishly, despite the fact that this was common knowledge by now. “You confess that you are risking your life to prevent this Earth from following the same trajectory Anthea did. Your means to this end relies on the effect of your empathic abilities. I once thought Minoru was the outlier, but I have observed enough concerts to know this is how humans are meant to react. But I do not. It is only logical to conclude that, well… my mind… is broken.”

He bowed at the waist, low, and more formally. And stayed there.

Minoru’s jaw dropped. That was serious. That was offending Grandma Mikoto levels of serious.

“If it were not broken, there would be nothing to forgive. If… if it were not broken, I would not be so easily able to separate the data from its source and possible motivations behind it. If it were not broken… I would not be so desperately reliant on analyzing what people are to compensate for my massive shortcomings in relating to who people are. If… if it were not… not broken, I would not inherently be such a threat to your mission… or bring such dishonor to your family…”

Minoru looked up at Ziggy with a panicked expression.

Isamu was trying his best to understand. That much was evident in how much he’d actually changed since arriving here. A year ago, Isamu wouldn’t have even thought to strip Ziggy’s data from the paper. A year from now, Isamu might have had the foresight not to have collected it at all. But while he wasn’t making the same connections as Ziggy wanted him to, and definitely not in the same order, he was still trying. So much so that he was tearing himself apart for his failures.

"You know Mick puts her to sleep too by being too much of a dad." Ziggy tried to smile but just shook his head and motioned at the rest of the building with his hand, venting the frustrated feeling with the gesture. "No! It relies on me and every other person risking with me to save this planet. They're all your species. They aren't empaths, they aren't Antheans. They just know the cost of this world for themselves, for the people they love. Some of them may even be more broken than you imagine yourself to be."

Ziggy huffed out a breath at this display and Minoru would certainly feel the frustration building in the Anthean. "Did you just suggest Minoru is broken too because I've forgiven him for more than I've ever had to do with you. Minoru and I have had arguments that make our little disagreement look like a happy tea party."

Ziggy stopped and all of his presence went silent. "Isamu, I don't know what is going on in your head but... until you stop convincing yourself about me thinking you are broken we will get nowhere. I've tried to tell you I don't think you're broken but you've ignored me thus far. I never said you were a threat to my mission either. I don't understand why you keep saying things to me that I've not said to you."

Ziggy sighed and shook his head. Glancing around the room before meeting Minoru's panicked gaze with one of his own; at a loss for what to do for the moment. Slowly, Ziggy brought his attention back to Isamu.

"Humans fear the unknown. Humanity is taught to think of the dark, the silence, or an unanswered question as a terror as real as a demon under the bed. Fear demands you pluck at it until you know so it isn't scary any longer." He pulled completely away from anything that related to specific people to try and dispel the tension that seemed to be growing.

He's giving time for that to sink in while looking for the right words. "It is uncomfortable, I imagine, not knowing every molecule in us. Humans fear not knowing as a species. We fear what you might do to us in order to no longer feel afraid, to not so gently yank us from the unknown box to the comfortably understood and digested box, metaphorically."

Oh, Minoru could feel it and he cringed. This was not how he thought this would end up going when he nudged Isamu into facing Ziggy. Actually, this point, right here, was the exact opposite of how he thought it would go. He was starting to wonder if he should have just volunteered to deliver the papers himself when Isamu finally looked up from the most formal apologetic bow Minoru had ever seen him give.

"You clearly had no trouble differentiating between what and who when it applied to how you felt I saw you. Can you... can you apply it to me?" he asked, honestly. "But the other way around. The what... not the who."

Minoru cocked his head to the side.

"I... I do not know if this notebook contains answers as to why your empathic abilities work the way they do, what effect they have on particular neurotransmitters or the mediation of particular electrical impulses in specific regions of the brain. But if... if it did, I... I might be able to understand the source of the neurodivergence." he hugged the notebook and held it out again, looking at the cover. "But if I follow your fears to their logical conclusion, wh..what might bring me comfort and relief could potentially create the means by which an entire species could be dulled to your influence at the biochemical level, rendering your message mute to a world that needs to hear it the most. I am, therefore, a threat."

He bowed again, but this time, holding the book out toward Ziggy. His hands were shaking.

"I... I can give you back your answers, but... but I... I cannot stop myself from wanting to know them. I... I know that's probably not the right response. I don't know what is... But that... that is the truth..."

Minoru put his hands on Isamu's shoulders, and looked back up to the frustrated Anthean. Neither of them really knew what to do, but Minoru silently mouthed, 'Tell him it'll be okay.'

Ziggy sighed heavily and moved toward Isamu, glancing between the notebook and the person holding.

"The notebook doesn't have the answers you seek." He slid his hand over the notebook but didn't take it yet. "What and who are very important, Isamu, and the threat you mentioned isn't even one I had considered but you're right that it could."

He shakes his head and finally takes the notebook back. "I forgive you for all of this. I don't see someone broken or faulty, never have, even when I learned you couldn't feel me. I accepted that was who the twin of my partner was and I accept you even when we argue or disagree. In my culture, apologies and making right..." he paused to point at Isamu's paper. "... are more important and enduring than any argument."

He stepped in to offer another hug to Isamu, if he wanted it. "The other side of that is that you might have some answers if you asked the people instead of trying to devise experiments to figure it out alone." Ziggy tried to smile and wished Isamu could feel the forgiveness but knew he couldn't. "You're not alone here but, perhaps I should teach you some of our culture before you talk to the older Antheans?"

It's gentle, forgiveness, an offer to help, everything Ziggy can think of to tell Isamu it is ok. That this is ok. That they are ok as friends.

Minoru rubbed his brother’s back. “He’s right. Anthean culture is all about forgiveness.”

He spoke, as Ziggy alluded earlier, from experience. They’d certainly had some disagreements of their own, but they worked them out. They compromised where they could, and in time, accepted what could not be changed. It had made their relationship stronger.

Isamu might never believe that the notebook wasn’t a test, but his mind no longer disputed the sincerity of the person that owned it. A part of him was still petrified, but his tension relaxed when Ziggy wrapped him in a gentle hug. He let out a breath he wasn’t aware that he was holding.

It wasn’t Anthean empathy, but something got through.

“I… would like that.” He nodded hesitantly, bowing a little less this time.

The thought of asking older Antheans, of course, hadn’t crossed his mind. But he had a two entire notebooks dedicated to experiment design on the subject of Anthean empathy alone - a topic that was best left unsaid.

“Come on, Bro. Ziggy needs to finish getting ready for the show. I’m sure the crew could always use an extra set of hands. Do you want to stay and watch the concert?”

“No, not particularly. No… no offense…” he looked up at Ziggy. This had been a very intense afternoon, and he really didn’t feel like facing any of his other newfound friends in this uncomfortably vulnerable state.

“Okay. I think we’re in London. We could always go to a pub.”

“Can we just go home?” Isamu asked softly.

Minoru smiled equally softly. “Of course, Bro. Of course. Just a sec.”

He moved to hug his koibito, thank him for everything and put some positive energy back into the mix. Ziggy may have the gift (and the curse) of prophecy, but Minoru was equally determined to make that mysterious future better. He didn’t bring it up again directly. This still wasn’t the time or the place, and Ziggy had a job to do out there. Instead, he filled his thoughts with the most love and happiness he thought he could manage and embraced Ziggy until he’d shared it all.

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